Couples Communication Tools

Couples Communication Tools

Five Steps to Recapturing Joy of Your Love Relationships

Think back. Really think back. When you first met your partner, what attracted you to him or her? Where did you meet? How did you feel? What were you expecting? What were you hoping for? We all meet hundreds of potential soul mates in our life, yet our attraction to one special person is more powerful than we could ever imagine. Why this person, after seeing so many others ? And why, after falling in love do we often hurt the person we most love?

Three Stages of Successful Love Relationships

The romantic stage -After some dating we know "it was meant to be." We can't sleep and don't care. We can't eat. We may write his or her name over and over. We phone or email dozens of times of day. We completely trust our newly found soul mate. We are in love and we love being in love!

The power struggle stage -Months after the romantic stage, little things begin to bother us. We try sweet talk to "help our partner make improvements." We suggest changes. When this doesn't work we blame and, Unfortunately, he or she misunderstands our intentions and blames back. Sometimes we avoid each other for hours or days, living parallel, disconnected lives. Unless we learn how to communicate differently, this stage may last for years or a lifetime. My aunt and uncle, for example, met in their 20's and died in their 90's. Their power struggle stage lasted more than 70 years! It was sad and it didn't have to be that way.

The long-term love stage -We accept and begin to enjoy our differences. Though some conflicts continue, we have learned communication skills that bring and maintain harmony and love in our relationship. We have mastered skills so each person is heard, understood and validated by the other. We disagree without being disagreeable and take pleasure in making joint decisions. We act for the WE, rather than for the ME. Couples who reach this stage are blessed for a lifetime.

Your journey toward long-term love begins with Five Steps

Step one -Recognize that your current communication methods aren't working. Be willing to try some new ideas, which, at first, may feel a bit awkward.

Step two -Specifically identify what you love about your partner. This may include his or her behavior, appearance, or character traits. Give your partner three different appreciations each day by stating "I appreciate you for. .." (No one is a mind reader so you must tell your partner every day, exactly what you admire and why).

Step three -Hug and touch your partner at least twice a day, not only as a prelude to lovemaking, but also because you want to. This closeness will transfer warm "fuzzies" into the limbic system (emotional cells) of your brain and your partner's. As you hold each other you will be restoring the pleasure starved brain cells of each of you. (Yes, this is much more important than patting the dog or drinking a cup of coffee!)

Step four -When your partner says something you disagree with, consciously listen with the intent to understand. You don't have to agree, but you do have to withhold your reactivity while you are listening.

Step five -Validate your partner's comments by saying, "So you are saying. .." and add, "I can understand your point of view because..." Again, you need not agree but you need to show that you understand his or her viewpoint. For example, if your partner loves action movies and you love quieter ones, get into his or her mind and realize that he or she would like such a movie.

If you begin this process your partner will begin to feel more loved and will act more loving toward you. These new skills allow you to reap the priceless reward that we all deserve: a long- term, joyful, loving relationship.

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