Couples Communication Tools

Couples Communication Tools

‘Til debt do us part
by Kathleen Johnston Jarboe,
The Maryland Daily Record, June 18, 2004

The three-tiered cake in butter cream, almond and lemon poppy is ordered. Your second cousin Hal didn’t make the guest list after hours of debate. And the groom now knows that plum and mist formalwear means purple and gray.

But counselors and financial advisers say there is another topic the new couple should consider before saying “I do” — how financially compatible they are.

And they’re not just talking about how you’ll pay for the wedding.

“People spend many more hours planning their wedding than planning their marriage,” said Jon Meyerson, a licensed clinical social worker at Couples Communication Tools in Bethesda.

Meyerson says that lack of planning can lead to problems in marriage and even divorce.

The term financial compatibility can conjure up many images — like multiple choice personality test questions:

1.) Your paycheck just cleared. What do you do with the money?

A. Shout “Allllrighttt” and buy everyone at the bar a round of drinks.

B. Put it in the bank — your unborn child might need braces!

There are nice words to describe people who choose “A,” like generous, giving. Then again, spendthrift and waster could also apply.

Those who pick “B” could be thrifty savers or misers and hoarders. Being a type-B answerer, I prefer thrifty saver.

Advisors say the marriage isn’t over if one partner chooses “A” and the other returns a straight column of “B” answers.

“The underlying issue is about communication and being able to see the world through your partner’s eyes,” said Joseph W. James, a therapist with a practice in Bethesda. “A lot of people get hung up on ‘my way is the right way.’

But the saver spouse sees a growing, bulging whirlpool sucking away the ability to buy something needed in the future.

“You have to talk to your partner ahead of time about spending, then the partner is much more likely to say, ‘Go ahead.’” Meyerson said.

Still if your mutual trust isn’t shredded in such a conversation, the couple has a good chance of beating the statistics, according to counselors.

“If they learn how to communicate and trust in general, then the money issues can be resolved,” Meyerson said.

[Note: Article was condensed to fit page.]

Return to What Others Say