Couples Communication Tools

Couples Communication Tools

Course Turns Power Struggles to 'Power Snuggles'
by Lisa R. Rhodes, Gazette Lifestyles, March 14, 2002

When they were eight years into their marriage when they realized the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship may have been over.

"We would get to the point of always yelling," says S.P. [Initials instead of names, are used on this website.] "We would get frustrated."

Somehow the mode of communication between the two had become a war zone.

"The message was there, but the problem was how it was being sent and how it was being received.".

To get back on the right track, the they enrolled in a course called Couples' Communications Tools, taught by Jon and Beverly Meyerson, a husband and wife therapy team who will bring their proactive techniques for improving relationships to Prince George's Community College in a three-session course beginning April 2.

Jon Meyerson says the Couples' Communication Tools course helps couples understand how they can move from power struggles to "power snuggles" in their relationship with their spouse or significant other.

"Fifty percent of all married couples get divorced," says Meyerson, "and sixty-two percent of second marriages get divorced." The course is a " cheap insurance policy against divorce," says Meyerson. "We believe any couple who’s having a conflict or even those whose marriages are a bit stale can benefit from the course.”

The curriculum teaches couples styles of communication that are harmful to relationships. For example, Jon Meyerson says, blaming one's partner for tension in the relationship; placating a partner to avoid expressing one's true feelings; "acting like a computer," or engaging with one's partner without showing true emotion; and distracting, or purposefully trying to avoid a problem by changing the topic.

Couples also learn communication styles that are beneficial, such as expressing appreciation; paying attention to a partner's words as a way to hear truly what they are saying; validating a partner's feelings, and empathizing with a partner's view of a situation.

The Meyersons say couples also begin to realize that a partner's emotional sore spots can often be traced back to their parents’ marriage or another family situation.

"Your partner may do something that makes you angry, but that anger is triggered from something in your past," says Beverly Meyerson.

Past memories and messages about certain values that one receives from family members often shape one's perception of the world and the people in it, including spouses, lovers, and friends.

"So much of what goes on between two people is subconscious," says Jon Meyerson. "We try to help people find out why they communicate and behave the way they do."

The first step in the course is for couples to take the Myers-Briggs personality inventory to understand how their respective styles of communication and behavior may be similar and different. Jon Meyerson says the Myers-Briggs indicator helps partners to realize that their mate may not say or do things intentionally, but their responses are probably due to their unique style and that this individuality must be understood and respected.

"The point is to understand where your partner is coming from," he says.

The next step is to learn how to truly listen to one's mate. The Meyerson's teach a technique called "mirrored" listening where each partner takes turns making simple statements devoid of emotion while the other partner repeats exactly what he/she has heard without judgment. Beverly Meyerson says mirroring helps to create a space where you feel safe to trust each other." Couples learn to really hear their partner's words and to observe their body language.

The Meyersons say this "sacred space" between couples is a space that “should not be polluted” by any kind of emotional negativity. Through the course, couples learn on their own how to "take the dirt out of the space" and make it sacred again.

The Meyersons also show couples how words of appreciation can go a long way to healing emotional hurts between partners. "The couples who succeed are the people who say they appreciate each other frequently," says Jon Meyerson. “It's important for them to say to each other one thing that they appreciate. It may be something their partner has not heard in a long time.”

Says Beverly, "It's also important to show caring behavior - to go out of your way for the other person."

As a matter of a fact, these skills are so important, couples who take the course are given a laminated Daily Connection card complete with communication exercises to help keep the love fires burning when the course is over.

"The card really works," C. says. "At the end of the day, you sit down and say what you want to say, and you are heard with no judgment."

Says wife E., a hairdresser, "The daily routine is important, " explaining that the practice of mirrored listening and expressions of appreciation make it easier to withstand the stress and pressures of a busy married life, especially in their own family with two young daughters.

The Meyersons know how challenging married life can be. Together for seven years, and married for 5, this is a second marriage for both of them.

We've had no arguments in seven years," says Jon Meyerson. "We disagree, but we always talk it out."

The success of their own relationship led the Meyersons to develop the Couples' Communication Tools course about two years ago and they eventually first taught the course in Montgomery County. The course is limited to 10 couples, and both straight and gay couples have participated since its beginning. Beverly says couples who are dating, couples who are engaged, and veterans of up to 48 years of marriage have taken the course.

The Meyersons also use techniques from the course as part of their private practice in Bethesda. They provide private services for individuals, couples, groups, and young adults with learning disabilities.

Jon Meyerson is a clinical social worker with close to 13 years of therapeutic experience. Beverly has taken numerous psychology courses and has trained in couples' therapy with her husband. She also has extensive training in intensive listening techniques.

Jon Meyerson says when couples first enroll in the course they are skeptical.

"People always say 'this won't work,'" Meyerson explains, "but after the course, people say 'we wish we knew these techniques years ago.'"

The Meyersons say the course should be required before people get married.

"It's a simple system, but it ain't easy," says Jon. "It takes work."

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