Couples Communication Tools

Couples Communication Tools

Class Teaches Couples to Kiss and Make Up
by Karen Schafer, Gazette Celebrations, January 31, 2001

Sure the first years of marriage can be glorious. Playing house is always a blast, until the power struggle starts and then the real fireworks begin. And unless it is resolved, couples can kiss a happy marriage good-bye; say licensed clinical social worker Jon Meyerson and his wife, Beverly Meyerson. Their goal is to help couples break this destructive cycle in a couples class they teach through Montgomery County Public School Adult Education.

Of course, the idea of sitting in a classroom telling a group of 20 strangers one's marriage woes could scare off just about anyone, Jon Meyerson admits.

But folks don't have to say a word, let alone spill their guts. From the beginning, the Meyersons discourage members from offering any "atomic bombs."

And the Meyersons aren't afraid to come clean about their own less than perfect record. This is their second time around after ending long marriages that included children. The way they see it, with their experiences both good and bad, they offer a unique insight into relationships. They believe a husband and wife team offers couples a look at marriage from different angles.

Nevertheless "most couples don't want to go to a therapist," Jon Meyerson says.

Even if the relationship is unbearable, many people can live together for decades without working it out. In a sense, they behave like toddlers who, although in the same room, parallel play instead of interacting, Beverly Meyerson notes. But after too many arguments and sleepless nights, one member of the couple will say enough is enough and pursue counseling or a class. Often one partner will have to be dragged into therapy or a class.

With 12 years of counseling experience [as of 2001] Jon Meyerson knows this scenario well. They don't dare start their class with anything that might be construed as "touchy-feely:" Instead, to calm the analytical minds in the group, everyone takes the Myers Briggs inventory. This offers the partners a chance to understand sometimes for the first time each other's differences and similarities.

Then the real work begins. The Meyersons explain that "although it is normal to go through the power struggle phase, it is important to get to the long-term love phase."

Once the couples analyze the data, they are taught mirroring techniques. One partner starts by making a neutral statement, and the other partner must repeat it back. This is done to reinforce that each member of the couple is listening and understanding. Jon Meyerson notes that most people only listen in order to know when to make their next points without taking in exactly what was said. After listening one partner says what he or she likes or appreciates about his mate. This is sometimes the hardest part. Some couples are so unaccustomed to hearing kind words that the compliment doesn't register.

Using these techniques will help a couple become more open and vulnerable.

"We can tell it melts away the fear," Jon Meyerson explains.

This isn't done in front of the group. The couples pair up working together while the teachers walk around the classroom "monitoring the mirroring and if someone is getting off track," they help them.

Finally the couples learn to complain without complaining. Instead of saying "You are such a slob. You never put your socks in the hamper," they are taught to say "I would like you to put your socks in the hamper."

And this can be difficult. Like it or not our "childhoods mold our future," Jon Meyerson says.

Sometimes a comment or action by a partner can inadvertently set off a reaction in a mate, subconsciously. triggering a painful reminder of an event that may have happened 40 years ago. An individual might explode every time the dishes are left in the sink just like his father did years before. This only causes distance between the partners.

Another way people stay emotionally detached is using “exits.” Individuals obsess on the computer, children, a job or books and figuratively walk out on a mate.

Like it or not, we often mirror our parents’ relationships, the Meyersons contend.

Ironically, the Meyersons say it is best to work on first marriages because statistically they have a better chance of surviving — 50 percent — than second marriages, with 62 percent ending in divorce.

"Most marriages can be harmonious and the trick is to communicate," Beverly Meyerson says.

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