"The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly.--Henry David Thoreau

Myth #1 If we choose the right person, we will fall in love and live "happily ever after." Truth: The 50% divorce rate for first marriages, and 62% divorce rate for 2nd marriages, indicates that there is much more to marriage than Hollywood would have us believe. All couples who fall in love (the romantic stage of love), eventually move into the second stage (the power struggle). A happy marriage requires that we use specific skills to experience the joy and harmony we all deserve: (the long-term love stage.)

Myth #2 Communicating in a loving way is something we must be born with and it must come naturally. If we don't have it, we can't be taught. Truth: If we currently have conflicts with our partner, we are not doomed to live that way forever. Both we and our partner can change. Even after living together for decades, everyone can capture the happiness of long term love as they develop insight and learn new communication skills. We spend years in school, and many thousands of dollars learning math, history, languages, law -you name it. Much of what we learn we never use. Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught the basics of communicating in a loving way with our partner. Somepeople are very successful using business skills, but relationships require a different way to relate. In business we must strive for efficiency and be emotionally closed. In love relationships we must be much more accepting and be emotionally open.

Myth #3 One person is usually more at fault in "causing" the conflicts in a relationship. All that has to happen isfor that person to be more understanding. Truth: It often seems like one person is "causing" the conflict. In our experience with hundreds of couples, we find that this is almost never the case. It is the flow of communication that can be healthy or unhealthy in a relationship. Understanding the needs and desires of each partner, and learning the skills to foster a healthy flow of information, will enable couples to recapture the joy they had when they met.

Myth #4 We can read a book to improve our love relationship. Face to face practice is not needed. Truth: It is impossible to learn how to drive a car, play golf, or speak French from a book. We must actively practice. In the same way, couples communication skills require us to learn and actively practice essential skills which foster harmony and joy. Active participation requires that we listen intently, understand, and validate our partner's desires and beliefs, which are often different from our own. Surprisingly, we need not agree with each other to have a warm, loving, relationship!

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